Posted in Inspiration, Life with CF

Control

Today’s Forecast: Restless

Control

Herculean effort, a war waged on

Like those before me, the heroes gone

My one desire, to live with grace

Despite the struggle, despite the pace

Intermittent, my strength does wane

Some days triumph and some days pain

Righteous celebration, silent contempt

Dueling emotions, no day exempt

Fitful sleep, I toss and turn

All the while my heart does yearn

For one decision that I can make

Instead of results I’m forced to take

My body fragile and not my own

A lack of control I’ve never known

I pray for peace and strength to fight

I pray I’ll see the morning’s light

I know not when the end will near

I tell myself, contend the fear

But to fear is human and to err is real

At least I can own what and when I feel

The quest continues, I forge ahead

Conjuring up spirit, instead of dread

No doubt will encounter more foul play

But thankful for what I feel today

~Jennifer Wuersig 2/22/11~

This is a poem I wrote back in February of last year when I was still in the throes of my sudden health decline with Cystic Fibrosis. Any of you that know me personally, know I am a complete control freak! I like to have things just so and I like to have a plan, ahead of time. It’s not so much that I have to control everyone else’s lives, but that I want to control mine, and with CF, it is a constant battle. This desire for power over my circumstances ultimately impacts my relationship with God too, because I have never been one for just trusting His plan, I have to work at it – really hard.  I constantly fight through how I think things should be and try to control the circumstances around me to make sure they get there. Again, not so easy a task when you’re battling a chronic illness that doesn’t give a care about what your plans are or where you need or want to be at a particular time. CF is just that way. It doesn’t care that you promised you’d take your daughter to the movies with her friend or that it’s family night at the school. It doesn’t care that you had a romantic, intimate overnight planned with your husband and that it’s your anniversary. It doesn’t care that you are co-chairing an event to raise money for it and you can’t be at the event because you’re stuck in a hospital bed. It doesn’t care that your husband is doing all the work and that the kids see him as the “go-to parent” because Mom’s just plain unreliable, it doesn’t care that you need to buy groceries, return library books, go to the bank. It doesn’t care that your family had a birthday lunch planned.

But I do.

I care so much sometimes it hurts. I know circumstances are bound to change; after all, change is the only constant, right? But… I don’t have to like it. I don’t like that CF can be so unpredictable. I don’t like that it interrupts my well-laid plans— all the time. What choice do I have though, honestly? I can spend my time expending energy on fighting the inevitable or I can spend it healing and living in the moment. I say that now, but don’t think for a second that I won’t jump back and forth over that fence at least a million times.

One of my absolute favorite bible passages is:

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

In times of anger and distrust, I often look to this passage for comfort and guidance. It helps me to remember that my limitations and my seemingly missed opportunities are all part of a bigger plan God had for me before I was even born. I also realize I do have control, control of how I choose to feel about my circumstances and control of whether I choose to trust God in his goodness to guide me through times of turmoil.

Are there areas of your life that feel out of your control? I think we all have them. A good friend recommended a book to me for people like you and me who are struggling with the surrender. It’s by Lisa Bevere and is called Out of Control and Loving It! I need all the encouragement I can get in this area, so I think it’s going to go on my Kindle wishlist. If you read it and like it, let me know. In the meantime, let go and let God. I’ll try to do the same.

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Author:

Christ-follower, wife, and mother of two living and succeeding with Cystic Fibrosis. Come check out my blog 100% Chance of CHANGE that follows my life's journey, one day at a time. Stories about life, raising kids, marriage and relationships, family, my CF struggles, faith and so much more!

3 thoughts on “Control

  1. You so inspire me to go with the flow, don’t sweat the small stuff and take each day as it is given. Thanks for your words of wisdom, keep writing!
    Roberta

    1. I’m not always there, but I’m trying really hard. You inspire me right back with your kindness, the gifts you give to your students and their families and your passion for running. Thanks for reading!!! ❤

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